How do you figure out you made a wrong decision?

As I am sitting here watching the news coverage of the 10-year anniversary of the 9/11 tragedies, I am witness to the kaleidoscope of change our nation has gone through.  Watching the emotions of the people as the names of the victims were called was hard and I found myself crying with them.  I empathize with the people and their losses and the process of rebuilding their lives.  And not just people – our nation, the city of New York and even the geographic space where the twin towers were housed – all needed to figure out what their validity and purpose would be.  The rest of us, we had to figure out what to do about the massive hole in our hearts and the sense of despair that was so prevalent throughout our nation.

David Brinkley said today during the news coverage that we have to be constantly in a state of renewal of our values, of our institutions and of our securities.  What matters to us?  What do we believe in?  What makes us feel safe?

This summer I made a massive change to my life, as most of you know.  I quit the security of a job that pays really well, has better bonuses than I’ve ever had before and has a benefits plan to make most people jealous.  I was so sure that I wanted to leave a position that I was good at for the insecurity of no job and trust that my brain is adept enough to master the demands of going back to college full time. 

I am proud of myself for making such a radical change but I have to be prouder of myself to have the courage to make a change when I feel something is not working.  College is hard.  Classes are stressful.  Deadlines are plentiful and consequences are great for failure to meet them. There is no time for a down day.  There is no time for aches and pains and headaches and fibro fog. 

Then there are also the pressures of life outside the classroom.  There is not a possibility to have school be my job.  I won’t go into details but let’s just say the economy hasn’t been good to us and I will start a new job shortly.  My new teammates have already told me the pressure of this new job and the challenges we will be fighting.

So, my heart is heavy and my brain won’t turn off – much like it was immediately after 9/11 – as I ponder what is right for me. I am in that constant state of renewal David Brinkley talks about.  I know there will be people disappointed in me and I can’t help that.  Whatever I decide, I will be at peace.

Today is the first day...

So here i sit...it is about 7:35 am and I am in a conference room on my last day at SAP. For some reason I couldn't sleep. I don't know if it was the excitement of having a new life ahead of me or the nervousness of leaving the corporate world (and corporate paycheck).

There are a million cliches running through my head. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Even the best laid plans... Why put off today what you can do tomorrow? A door closes and a window opens. A bird in the hand is worth more than two in the bush.

I have had friends declare their admiration for taking this big leap like knights vowing fealty to a queen. So many people possessing secret talents and passions and dreams of taking the same giant leap out of Corporate America.  The paralyzing reality of the paycheck makes tethers most to stay put and wish.  Some have called me brave...and some have called me stupid! 

My journey started long ago and just kept inching and pushing and shoving its way into my consciousness. Frequent thoughts over that first coffee of the morning, "how did I get here in my life?" and then came the dinner conversation that changed everything.

"If you could not fail, what would you do with your life?" asked my boss innocently. OK, in addition to being my boss, she's been a great friend for over 10 years too! I'm not sure I had an answer that night but the question festered in me and I thought about it every day.

And here is my big conclusion...sometimes you just have to take the risk. There may be success or there may be failure (that's why it is called risk!) but failure is just a temporary condition. It is not a finality.

So today as I embark on the rest of my life I go on to make art, continue to teach people how to funnel their creativity -- even if they think they don't have any, and help the people in this world that need me. My path is not the straight and narrow but the crooked, winding twists and turns of life. I'll be driving but you ca sit back and enjoy the ride. Warning: fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride!